How To Annoy  Death Note
by AbyssQueen
Summary: It's been done half a billion times... BUT IDC! :D  On hiatus, Sorry guys
1. Light Yagami

**A/N: How original is this?**

**I was BORED. To the extreme. & I had writers block for 1SB. & no sleep. ...This SHOULD get better as I go on... X.x**

**Disclaimer: I OWN DEATH NOTE! :DDDDDD *swarmed by lawyers* x_x fine. I don't own Death Note. But I own... ALL WMG COPYRIGHTS! =:D *swarmed again***

*****EDIT: I'm editing all the chapters ._.  
>&amp; thanks to Tawny~ For helping meh~ ...Just a little. Not that much. XD***<strong>

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Light Yagami_  
><strong><br>[1. (The obvious) Call him Lightbulb ImAGay.]**

"Hey~ Hey Lightbulb ImAGay~" Falcon grinned, doing her very best to have the most annoying voice ever. More annoying than Misa's.

"What the? That's not my name..."

"Yes it is~"

"No..."

"LIIIIIGHTBULB~ IIIIIIMAGAYYYYY~"

"..."

**[2. Repeat in front of his family, especually Sayu.]**

"Hey Lightbulb I'mAGay~"

"Why are you having dinner with us."

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiightbulb~" this time it was Sayu that sang the awful nickname.

"IiiiiiiiiiimAGayyyyyyyyyy~" Falcon sang with her.

_Whyyyyyyyyyyy?_ Light groaned inwardly. "How do you know who I am, anyways?"

"YOU KILLED L YOU BASTARD D:=" Falcon accused.

"You did what?" Soichiro asked, glaring down at Light in a _'You are so grounded' _kinda way.

"Lightbulb~ :3"

**[3. Continuously remind Misa that L and Light were handcuffed together for an extended period of time.]**

"Hey Misa..." Falcon began, careful not to let the urge to punch the idol in the face take over, because no one was in the mood for another 'Falcon PAUNCH!' joke. "Did you ever notice... That L and Light were handcuffed... For a LONG, LONG TIME?"

"Yeah! MisaMisa thinks that L is gay!"

_Ahhhhhh annoying voiceeeeee... _"And... During that time... it is assumed that they had to sleep together... in the same bed... TOGETHER..."

Misa froze. "They... Slept... Together..." the blonde's face contorted with anger. "LIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

**[4. Then show her LxLight fanfictions. Sit back and watch.]**

"Wait! I need to show you something first!" Falcon ran to a computer, dragging Misa along with her. _Must... Wash... Hand... Infected... _"Here. Read this."

Misa scanned the webpage. _FanFiction?_

Being too stupid to check the title, Misa began reading. Her face became red and she started crying. "UWAHHHHH? NO! LIGHT WOULD NEV- THIS ISN'T- ...ew... BUT THERE'S NO WAY LIGHT- AND L- LIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT-KUNNNNNNNNNNN!"

**[5. Introduce Light to said fanfictions. Videotape his reaction.]**

Falcon had to bit her lip to keep from making a trollface. _Sooo muchhh funnn..._

"Misa, what are you-" his eyes had already drifted to the monitor.

_'The little god captured the detective's mouth with his own, their tongues doing fierce battle. Their hatred for each other showing in each ones fight to dominate the other. Hands found their way under his shirt, while his own were occupied with the older man's belt. Their disdain had twisted into an angry lust. Lips bruised and swollen, Light moved down the detective's body...'_

"WHAT THE-" the prodigy's face became red, and he screamed in terror.

Falcon smirked. _Victory... AND TIME TO WASH THE TOXIN OFF MY HAND!_

**[6. Ask him how long it takes him to do his hair.]**

"Hey~ Hey Light~"

"Yes?" Light asked, managing to play polite.

"How long does it take you to do your hair~?"

"...That's none of your business."

**[7. Ask what shampoo and/or conditioner he uses. Repeatedly.]**

"Then what shampoo do you use? Conditioner?"

"Why do you care?"

**[8. Ask him if he realizes he's adopted.]**

"You do realize that you're adopted, right?"

"What? Where'd you get that idea? It's preposterous."

**[9. When he informs you that that's 'preposterous', provide him with the following proof-**  
><strong>a. He looks nothing like his family.<br>b. He lives in Japan, he speaks in English, he write in Japanese, the death note is in English, and... Oh yeah, Ryuk is fuckin' ugly. (lol, random abridged series reference.)  
>c. He's 50x as smart as everyone else in the family, COMBINED.<br>d. Ask him whether he'd rather be adopted or ImAGay.  
>Let him think about it.]<strong>

"Welllllllll~ Have you ever noticed that you look NOTHING like the rest of your family?"

"So? Lots of people don't resemble their parents. For all you know I'm a spitting image of my grandfather."

"If your grandparents never appear in the series, they're probably dead."

"...GRANDPA?"

"PLUSSSSSSS You live in Japan, you speak English, you write in Japanese, the death note is in English, aaaaaaaand Ryuk is fucking ugly."

"What does that have to do with me being adopted? ...And how do you know what Ryuk looks like? ...AND HOW DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE REST OF IT?"

"AAAAAAAAAAND YOUR 50 TIMES AS SMART AS YOUR PARENTS AND SISTER, COMBINED~"

"Is that a compliment?"

"WOULD YOU RATHER BE ADOPTED OR IMAGAY?"

"... ... ...  
>Screw you, 'Dad'."<p>

**[10. Also inform him that he's Canadian.]**

"Oh, and BTW, you're Canadian."

"...Is it too late to go back?"

"No."

"So I can change it?"

"Meaning, no, you're still Canadian."

Light hung his head sorrowfully in sorrowed sorrowy shame and sorrow.

**[11. Give Misa caffiene. Sit back & LOL.]**

"Hey Misa~ Want some coffee?"

"MisaMisa's never had that before..."

Falcon's eyes sparkled with an idea. "Really? Wanna try some?"

"Sure! MisaMisa loves trying new things!"

Falcon grinned demonically as she offered the mug to Misa.

"Ew... This is nast-" the idol was interrupted as she took another sip, as if automatically. "This is... What the..." the girl began jittering, and her voice became more and more annoying and sing-song-y.

Suddenly she started running around in circles. "WHOOOOO LIIIIIIIGHT~ LIIIIIIIGHT-KUNNNNNN I WANNNAAAAAAA TALKKKKKK TO YOUUUUU~~~"

**[12. Introduce both Light and Misa to deviantART.**  
><strong>AnimeManga category.**  
><strong>You know what to put in the search box.]<strong>

Falcon grinned. "Hey! Light! Misa! I need you to see something!" She stepped away from the computer as Light glanced over and Misa came running from the couch.

"Oh my..."

"UWAHHHHH!"

**[13. Ask him how long it took him to memorize the lyrics of "Sexyback". It's obvious he sings it to himself in the shower.]**

"Hey Liiiiiightbulbbbbb~"

"What."

"How long did it take you to memories 'Sexyback'?"

"What?"

"You sing it. In the shower. I know you do."

"...I've never even heard the so-"

"YOU DO!"

"..."

**[14. Tell him you know he's Kira. When he yet again informs you that that is 'preposterous', steal the notebook & show it to him. You could also just use a cosplay notebook.]**

"Hey Lightbulb~"

"What now."

"Hey ImAGay~"

"..."

"Hey Kira~"

"WHAT?"

Falcon made an epic troll face.

"Shit..."

"It's okay, I knew anyways."

"...How?"

"Because you are."

"But I'm not."

"Then why did you answer?"

"I answered in caps. It meant that I was shocked at you saying such a thing."

"Then why did you say 'shit' afterwards?"

"Go to Hell."

"Kira~"

"Please."

"Kiiiiiraaaaa~"

"Seriously."

"You're Kiiiiiiiiiiraaaaaaaaaa~"

"That's preposterous."

"I have proof."

"Oh really?"

Falcon casually held up the cosplay notebook she had stolen from her friend who had gotten it off E-bay.

Immediately Light's eyes widened, then narrowed again.

"That's not a real death note."

"Confession~"

"No. L and I know of their existence. So does the rest of the investigation team."

"Whatever. I still have proof."

"Oh really."

This time Falcon held up Light's death note.

"WHAT THE-"

**[15. Tell Misa Light wants to see her... in the bedroom... immediately.]**

"Hey Misa~"

"What?"

"Light told me to tell you that he wants to see you... IN THE BEDROOM~ Like, RIGHT NOW!"

The blonde gasped. "Liiiiiiiiiiight-kunnnnnnnnnnn~ I knew this day would come~!"

**[16. Tell Takada and Mikami the same.**  
><strong>Set up cameras!]<strong>

Thinking fast, Falcon dialed her phone. "Hello Takada."

"Who is this? Why do you have my number and how were you able to get through the filters?"

Falcon ignored her questions. The lady was a whore, she didn't deserve to know of her awesomeness.

Wait.

Yes she did.

"With mah awesomenessssssss~"

". . ."

"Anyway Light wants to see you in his bedroom ASAP."

Too blinded by the Light (I'm so punny) to even notice how ridiculously obvious it was that it was a trap, Takada set her eyes to glitter mode. "I'll be sure to be there."

Falcon hung up at the exact second that Takada did and began dialing a new number. "Herro? :3"

"This is Teru Mikami, may I ask who is speaking?"

"I know who you are."

"...May I ask who is speaking?"

"No."

"..."

"Light Yagami Kira-kun wants to see you in his bedroom, right now. I trust that you can locate him yourself."

"G-God?"

"Yes, Light, Kira, God, DirtyAssBastard, whatever." Falcon answered with a sarcastic ring to her voice though Mikami had already hung up. _Time for the final stage of the plan..._

Hurriedly the young girl set up a camera in the corner so she could see most anything that happened, then ran out of the room, taking her position by the computer monitor the next room over.

Misa got there first, which made sense, and then Mikami arrived, and after him was Takada.

"What the..." Mikami began, but he was cut off when Misa and Takada began to bitchfight.

Mikami turned to leave when he realized the door had an automatic lock on it, and that he had no key. "Help... Me..."

**[17. Repeat the "I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!" line... repeatedly. Every day. ...Unless he pulls out the death note... then you should stop.]**

"I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!"

"I'll take this chip... AND EAT IT!"

"I'll take this potato chip... AND OMNOMNOMNOM!"

"Watashi wa potetochippu o toru yo... SORE O TABERU!"

"YA vozʹmukartofelʹnyh chipsov... I sʺestʹ yego!"

"Ich nehme einen Kartoffelchip... Und essen!"

"Esto no tiene nada que ver con... las papas fritas!"

"Vezmu si po-"

Light growled. This girl was SERIOUSLY getting on his nerves.

Glancing at his watch, he pulled the reset button three times and-

"NO! Wait! I'll stop!"

Light smirked. This time he had won.

**[18. Make fun of him for wearing that one pink shirt he wore in that one episode.]**

"Hey~ Hey Lightbulb~"

"What NOW?"

"You know that one baby pink shirt you wore in that one episode looked really GAY, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

**[19. When he denies it's existence, search his closet until you find it.]**

Falcon sighed. Into the closet...

"Here!" she announced, proudly holding up the pink shirt of gayness.

"...YOU SEARCHED MY CLOSET?"

**[20. Give Misa and L heroin/crack/weed/alcohol. 'Nuff said.]**

"WHOOOOOOOO~"

"LIGHT-KUNNNNN~ MISAMISA LOVES YO-PIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OMK PIEEEEEE~"

"PIEEEEEEE? YAYYYYYY PIEEEEEEEEE~"

"OMFK LOOOOOOOOK LIGHT THERE'S A MONKEYYYYYYY~"

"PIEEEEEEEE~"

"PIEEEEEEEE~"

"PIEEEEEEEE~"

_For the love of me..._

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... L!<strong>


	2. L Lawliet

**A/N: Still bored ._. and this sucks...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note :/ I don't even own a working notebook... I got a cosplay notebook, but when I write names in it, it just turns people into giant plurple platypuses :/ Yeah, I don't get it either. :/**

*****EDIT: THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED. THERE YA GO. STATING THE OBVIOUS.*****

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><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _L Lawliet_

**[1. (More Captain Obvious) Take his cake.]**

Ash glanced at the detective, who's attention was now turned to something Light was working on.

_Mueheheheheh..._

Slowly, she reached her hand out, closing her fingers around the edge of the plate and bringing it closer to her. She quietly began nomming the cake.

But L was familiar with the sound of cake being nommed.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" the ravenhead sounded mad, but his face told a story of shock and horror.

"Eating your cake," Ash grinned, finishing the last giant bite.

L pulled his knees up even closer to his chest in what was apparently a fetal position, and began rocking back and forth, muttering. _"The cake..."_

**[2. Switch his sugar cubes with either A. cubes of salt or B. (even better) cubes of that pork soup flavoring spraypainted white.]**

"Hey L~" Ash greeted the detective.

"Hm?"

"Watari is running some errands, so I brought you your coffee/tea/depends on what dub you're watching! :D"

"... Um... Thank you."

The detective watched closely as Ash set the tray which carried his 'coffee/tea/depends on what dub you're watching' and a bowl of sugarcubes on the table. He glared suspiciously at the dark liquid before adding several sugarcubes to the drink, stirring them in and watching them dissolve.

Something was wrong... The sugar didn't dissolve the way it was supposed to... Some of it remained white as it disappeared completely, but the rest of it almost blended in with the now lighter-colored liquid. He cautiously took a sip before blatantly spitting it out.

"WHAT THE-"

**[3. Ask him if he and Light ever *snicker* DID anything *snicker* while they were handcuffed. Snickers are necessary.]**

"Hey~ Hey L~"

"Yes, Ash?"

"Did you and Light ever," the girl paused to snicker, "DO anything," another snicker, "while you were handcuffed?"

L looked slightly horrified, and it was clear that he understood the meaning of the question. "Ash, to be frank, that is disgusting, and you have a sick, sick mind."

**[4. Show him the YouTube video "Sleeping Beauty yaoi"]**

"L! I think I've found something crucial to the Kira case!"

The detective glanced over, and reading the title of the YouTube video, was instantly skeptic. "Sleeping Beauty? What does that have to do with Kira?"

"Just watch," Ash smirked, clicking the 'play' button.

The video began with an animated scene- a black-haired girl with dark rings under her closed eyes lying on a table in the middle of a forest, wearing a light blue 'Sleeping Beauty' dress. A thick bass and drum beat played in the background, though the song was not familiar to L.

_What could this possibly have to do with the Kira case?_

As the video continued, a young man with chestnut hair and eyes and wearing white leered over the girl, singing and eying her with tender, loving eyes.

_That looks like Light... but surely it couldn't be..._

_"Delusional,  
>I believed I could cure it all...<br>For you dear..."_

At this lyric, the man set a hand on the girl's chest, then began pulling a string out of her chest; bringing the girl closer to him and revealing her black feathery wings.

_Now who's the perv? _L scoffed, _But why does that girl remind me of someone?_

_"Coax or trick or drive or  
>Drag<br>__The demons from you,  
>Make it right for you<br>__Sleeping Beauty,  
><em>_Truly Thought  
>I could magically heal you...<em>_"_

The 'string' broke and the girl's limp body fell against the stone table, the wings disappearing, and the Light-look-alike leaned over the girl's body. Running a hand over the girl's cheek, he kissed her thoughtfully, and the scene faded to black.

_What was the point of that? _L growled. He eyed the comments, and the two highest rated ones caught his attention.

_"Is it bad if I think that L looks hot in that dress?"_

_"L looks hot all the time, dress or not, so no ;D"_

_What the-? Was that... supposed to be... Me? How did they get my face? ...But that must mean that the guy... That _was_ Light?_ He sat there in horrified shock for a few more seconds before curling up into the fetal position again. _"Just relax... You can have that video removed... Everything is okay..."_

Little did he know, thousands more videos just like that one littered the interwebz._  
><em>

**[5. Introduce L to FanFiction. He's smart enough to find his way around- he'll be hugging himself and whimpering before you know it.]**

"Hey L~"

L eyed the girl with uncertainty. "Yes?"

"I found a site! I think it might have something to do with Kira!"

L sighed, leaning over to view her monitor. _FanFiction?_

"Just look at all the results that come up when you search 'Kira'!"

L sighed. It wasn't that surprising; Kira was Japanese for 'Sparkle' and a popular name. "Let me see..." He clicked the first result link, and to his surprise, a gothic-style 'W' appeared on his screen.

_"L, I really don't think you want to read that."_

"Watari? What are you doing? It could contain evidence!" To be honest, he didn't see how the silly thing could have much significance, but he argued the point anyway.

_"It's rated M. I _really _don't think you want to read it."_

"Are you insulting my maturity?"

_"No! With all due respect, Sir, I just strongly advi-" _the old man was cut off when L closed the connection, muttering about how he should be able to make his own decisions. He was twenty-five, for pete's sake!

"L, I'll be back in a few hours, okay? I'm buying some cake~"

"As you wish." L responded dryly. Scanning the top of the page, a few words caught his eye. _'Death Note'... The killing notebook? 'Light Y. & L'... What is this about? How to they know my name, and Light's, and that we know each other?_

He began reading, and immediately his cheeks began to redden.

A few hours later, Ash came bounding in with several boxes of different types of cake. "I'm back, L~"

The detective was, once again, curled into the fetal position. _Light and I... Matt and Mello... Near and Mello... Me and Mello... BB and Mello... Mello and Mello... Wait, no, not Mello and Mello... Misa and Takada... Matt and BB... Light and BB... Me and BB... Light-L-Mello-Matt-Near-B-Linda-Watari-A-Roger-Matsuda-Aizawa-Takada-Sayu-Misa-RYUK!-REMMMMM-AHHHH-LEMON-LIME-FLUFF-FILLER-BUTTSEX-MATURE-YAOI-YURI-TONGUE-AHHHHH..._

**[6. Call him pet names, such as "L-Panda"]**

"L-Panda~"

L glanced up at the girl. "That is not my name," he said in his usual monotone.

"I know, but it's what I'm calling you~!"

**[7. Depending on his mood, call him "Sad Panda", "Good Noodle", etc.]**

"To be honest," L took a bite of his cake and stared idly ahead, "I'm actually a bit depressed..."

"NO L DON'T BE DEPRESSED! DON'T BE A SAAAAAADDDDDD PANDAAAA!"

L blinked once. "What?"

"BE A GOOOOOOODDDDDD NOOOOOODLEEEEE!"

"..."

**[8. Introduce him to Dippin' Dots. (yeah, the weird ice cream shit.)]**

Ash handed L a packet of vanilla flavored Dippin' Dots. "Try 'em!"

L sighed. "I really don't see what this has to do wi- ... Is that supposed to be icecream?"

"Yup~"

"This is... I don't see how this is logical... It doesn't make sense..." he took a cautious bite of the strange substance, and it only furthered his confusion. "What is this? How dare it defy all logic reasoning? ! Here it is, _staring _at me, _taunting _me with it's lack of reason!"

"L, calm down..."

"NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS!"

**[9. Tell him strawberries don't exist.]**

"L, there's something you should know, before you eat that cake..."

L sighed, peering over at Ash. "What is it, Ash?"

"Strawberries don't exist."

Images and memories flashed through L's mind. "S-strawberries... D-d-don't... E-exist?"

He went into the fetal position once again.

**[10. Give Matsuda caffeine.]**

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

"Matsuda, calm down and get back to work!"

"I LOVE YOU GUYS~"

"..."

"I MEAN, LIKE, NOT IN A YAOI WAY... THOUGH I DO WONDER WHAT YAOI IS LIKE. DO YOU THINK IT'D BE NICE?"

". . ."

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

**[11. Tell him Aizawa's afro is out to get him.]**

"L! You need to get out of here!"

"What is it, Ash?"

"Aizawa's afro... IT'S GONNA EAT YOUUUUUUUUU!"

"..."

**[12. Broadcast his name and face on international TV.]**

_"OMK, LIEK, GUESS WHAT KIRA? WE FOUND L FOR YOU! SEE, THIS IS A PICTURE OF HI- no, wait, that's an emo panda. HERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM! AND HIS NAME IS L LAWLIET!"_

Next to L, Light was grinning sadistically. "_Just as planned..._" he muttered under his breath.

"Light-kun, if you kill me now, I will know that you are Kira."

"What? I'd never kill you! And besides, you'd also be dead."

"That's what you think."

"..."

**[13. Ask him if you can use his hair as bacon grease substitute.]**

Ash stood in the doorway, hands on her hips. "L! Can I have some of the grease from your hair? I'm making gravy for Jax but we don't have any bacon or sausage grease!"

"..."

L deadpanned.

**[14. Introduce him to an L plushie.]**

"L! Guess what I got you!"

L glared at the teenage girl like she was going to present him with a time bomb.

"...What?"

Ash held out an L plushie she had stolen from one of her friends.

"A Mini-Me! Only it's a Mini-You! But it's called a Mini-Me! So it's a Mini-L! :D"

"..."

**[15. Add random rabid fangirls.]**

"Oh, and BTW, there are some people that want to see you..."

"Tell them no- Too many people have seen my face already."

"Oh, don't worry, they've seen you before. They know you quite well!"

L eyed Ash suspiciously.

"Alright..."

Ash opened the door to let in about 384675643454 screaming girls (and a few guys...)

**[16. Go Mary-Sue on him. If you're a guy... go gay Gary Stu on him.]**

Ash began squealing with the others as they tackled L, and her now-blond hair grew to the floor and began to sparkle. Her eyes turned a piercing blue and half of her clothing simply fell off. Her boobs grew about 458734534 cup sizes and became anti-gravity flotation devices.

All around L, similar changes were happening to the other girls, and even scarier changes were happening to the guys.

The only thing L could do was cover his eyes and hope it was over soon.

**[17. Make random and highly ironic comments around him, preferably about his death.]**

Ash abruptly pushed L out of his chair.

L deadpanned, still in his sitting position, but on his side.

"What was that for, Ash?"

"I thought you might need some practice falling out of your chair dramatically. You really need to work on your slow-motion technique.

"..."

"Oh hey look! It's Rem! Your best friend!"

"...?"

"I hope you get heart attack'D to death by a love-sick bi shinigami..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

**[18. Two words- Yaoi. Fangirls.]**

"Oh and L! There are some more people here to see you!"

L paused from washing the lipstick off his face... And several other parts of his body...

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Fien, I'll have Light let them in."

"..."

L heard the sound of the door opening an inch, then being thrown open.

"OMFK L LIGHT YOU GUYS ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER RIGHT? MAKE OUT FOR US!"

"YEAHHHHH MAKE OUT!"

"DO IT DO IT!"

"WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE LIGHT? WHAT IF HE LIKES BB?"

"OR MELLO?"

"OR NEAR?"

"OR RYUK?"

There was an awkward pause.

"...Soichiro?"

More awkward turtles...

"...Matsuda? !"

They just keep multiplying...

"...Never mind."

**[19. Tell him his pet cat is Kira.]**

"L! L, You are in incredible danger!"

L sighed, knowing not to believe the girl anymore. "What is it this time, Ash?"

"Your cat, Fluffy, she's Kira! D:"

"Ash..."

"Yes?"

"I do not own a cat."

**[20. Tell Light L loves him. Sit back and watch the awkwardness.]**

"Light..." Ash whispered, and Light turned to look at the girl, one eyebrow raised in question. "Before you go in there, there's something you should know... L... He's madly in love with you."

". . . . . . . . . . ."

"It's true!"

Light dismissed the girl as he awkwardly entered the room and took the chair next to L's. Surely it couldn't be true, but... Now that he thought about it... L was always looking at him...

"Soooooo... L... You like puppies?..."

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... Misa!<strong>

**Flames will be used to make s'mores! :D**


	3. Misa Amane

**A/N: Stilllllll boreddddddd DX**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, but neither do you :/**

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Misa Amane_

1. (Again with the obvious) Tell her Light is gay.

2. Proceed to show her LxLight fanfictions, pictures, youtube videos, etc.

3. Ask her if she knows what Light and L did while they were handcuffed.

4. Then ask her if she knows what Light and Takada did during their "Secret Meetings"

5. Call her fat.

6. Replace her wardrobe with CUNTREH BUMPKIN clothes.

7. Ask her if her eyes are blue or brown. Why? Because you're confused, and they change colors several times during the series.

8. Introduce her to yuri.  
>MisaxTakada yuri.<p>

9. Tell her her voice repels all intelligent thought. When she complains, proceed to tell her to shut the fuck up.

10. Flirt with Light

11. Sing the "Ugly Girl" song (version of "Barbie Girl") only instead of saying "I'm an ugly girl" say "Misa's an ugly girl", etc.

12. Tell her Light is cheating on her with the Cleverbot.

13. Ask her if her hair is dyed. (It is.)

14. Tell her the lamp post is going out with Light.

15. Introduce her to a dictionary.

16. [Somehow] force Light to say he hates her.

17. Put her in a room with a bunch of Misa haterz.

18. Tell her she's a shitty actor.

19. Tell her Kira didn't mean to avenge her parents.

20. Tell her Light is actually a 40 year old perv.

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... The Task Force! (I'm putting them all together, because I can't think up enough for each of them to have their own chapter, but some of them are too hilarious to not include X.x)<strong>

**Flames will be used to make s'mores! :D**


	4. The Task Force

**A/N: ...yeah, you guessed it- I'm bored.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Death Note, there'd be at least one kick-ass girl, besides Halle. I mean, come on, Ohba! X_x**

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _The Japanese Task Force_

1. (Obviousness!) Introduce Matsuda to various extremely catchy but annoying songs, such as the "NyanNyan cat song", "Om nom nom nom nom" by Parry Grip, "Friday" by Rebbecca Black, "Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Beautiful", "Ass Up" by Barracuda, "Still Alive" from Portal, etc.

2. Make fun of Ide's sex life. Extra points if you get Matsuda to help you.

3. Pet Aizawa's afro. Repeatedly.

4. Then pretend like it's eating you.

5. Ask Soichiro how old he is.

6. Tell Soichiro Light is Kira, and Sayu is the second Kira. Thumbs up if you also tell him that Sachiko is in on all of this.

7. Ask Aizawa what it's like to have an abusive wife.

8. Show Ukita his death scene, proceed to laugh at how stupid he looks when he dies, and then make fun of his lack of screen time.

9. Get all your friends together and go Mary Sue/Gary Stu on them.

10. Give Mogi crack. Lots of it. And a butcher knife. Proceed to get the fuck out of there as fast as you can.

11. Invite Misa over. Make sure she is drunk.

12. Distract them in any way you can. (Yes, as dirty as that sounds.)

13. Remind Soichiro that his hair is getting gray. Repeat several times in a high-pitched voice.

14. Ask Mogi and Ukita if they are related- Mogi looks like a gorilla, and Ukita looks like a monkey.

15. Remind Soichiro that his last name backwards is "ImAGay". Press about the meaning of this. (Are Light and Sayu adopted? Does that mean Sachiko is a guy? etc.) Extra points if it's in front of Sayu.

16. Give Matsuda alcohol.

17. Ask Soichiro why the hell he would name his kid a weird name like Light.

18. Tell Aizawa that now that he's cut his hair he can no longer be a part of the series.

19. Cut their paychecks, and don't tell them about L's funds. Extra points if you can send them letters saying they have been cut from the series for being old and boring. A cookie if you exempt Matsuda from the previous, and the others know it.

20. Show them the proof of their lack of fandom (lack of video tributes, fanfictions, pictures, etc.)

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... Near!<strong>


	5. Near

**A/N: Haven't slept yet, & it's 7 in the morning. YIPPEE! *runs around being high off Coke... as in, Coca-Cola, not cocaine. DX***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Why? Because that's preposterous!**

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Near_  
><strong><br>**1. (Obviouz!) Steal his Transformers!

2. Knock over his tarot card towers. (Or don't, he has threatened Gevanni and Halle's lives if they did so. (read the extra chapters, you should be able to find them online. It's something like "A new Kira" or whatever...))

3. Try to get him to go outside. Extra points if you get Gevanni to help you. Cookies if you get Rester to help.

4. Get the wrong Lego package from the store. He wanted the STAR WARS SET, not Harry Potter, dammit!

5. Pet his hair.

6. Call him pet names, such as "Sheep", "Sock", "Mr. White Fluff", "Freakishly Smart Superhuman Trapped in the Body of an Emaciated, Antisocial, Codependent Albino Child Wearing Pajamas", etc.

7. Tell him he should get out more.

8. Approach a conversation as follows- "So, if Light eats potato chips, L eats sweets, Matt smokes, and Mello eats chocolate... Does that mean you eat your toys?"

9. Extra points if you can get Hal, Gevanni, and Rester wondering the same thing.

10. Ask him if he's albino. Repeatedly.

11. Ask him if his father was a sheep.

12. Call him floorsexual. (inside joke for all those who have read Bitch Stepped on My Floor Cake by xXKanpekiXx)

13. Ask him why he has so many monitors. (Porn?)

14. Press that Mello's hate for him doesn't seem to be mutual- then press the question "Why?"

15. Introduce him to the fanfictions. Oh, the fanfictions.

16. Introduce him to Helitsuda. That's right. Matsuda, with his voice changed by breathing in helium. Terrifying.

17. Misa. Takada. Near. Locked room. Instigation of arguments. Ohyes.

18. Replace all his white pajamas (What? That's what they are!) with brightly colored hippie clothes.

19. Introduce him to his haters.

20. Introduce him to his fangirls.

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... Mello! :P<strong>


	6. Mello

*****EDIT:*** editing this & Matty's chapter out of order as a (BELATED I'M SORRY DX) b-day present for Jax :P HAPPY [belated...] BIRTHDAY!**

**...plus I just felt random.**

**THANKCHUZ TAWNEH FOR HALPIN' MAYE! :D She's a co-writer for this chappie, 'cause it's 4:30 am & this isn't done ._. *cough* & now it's also a week later.**

**A/N: Sooooooooooooo DX**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Why? Because the afro-man said so.**

**Aizawa: She doesn't own Death Note.**

**Abyss: See?**

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Mello_

**[1. (Hm, I wonder what Captain Obvious would do?) Hide his chocolate, and make sure he can't get more.]**

Jax smiled her sweetest smile as she looked back on what she had just done.

...

Oh, right, you don't know what that is ^~^'

Well... let's see...

She stole all of Mello's chocolate...

Used the entire Wammy's inheritance to buy all the chocolate and 'chocolate farms' in the world...

Shut down the 'farms'...

Causing the factories or whatever to stop making chocolate due to the lack of cocoa...

Then took all the chocolate she had bought (and all that she had stolen from Mello...)

Put it in a magic box...

That happened to be waterproof...

And dropped it to the bottom of the ocean :)

Yeahhhhhhhh... Mello didn't really like that.

But Jax used her epic lost, innocent, British (though she's not British...) puppy skills to escape his wrath :)

...Well, Matt had to use his epic lost, innocent, kicked Australian puppy skills too.

. . .

**[2. Tell him he looks like a girl.]**

Jax, well aware that she was already pissing Mello off to the brink of Hell and back, decided to have some fun.

What? She had to be here, he had to be here, may as well enjoy it.

"Hey, Mello?" He flinched.

"Wha-a-a-at?" He was still clutching to the very last chocolate bar.

"Why," she said, pulling a flower out of nowhere and placing it behind Mello's ear, "do you look... feminine?" She batted her eyelashes in a sickening way, as if to say 'I went there'.

He simply turned his head toward her, raised a fist, and we will simply leave you to your imaginations on that one.

**[3. Ask him why he keeps his gun in the front of his pants.]**

"Haye Melly-bear~ :3"

"WHAT?" Mello growled, already pissed Beyond (teehee!) the max.

"Have you ever realized that you're the only character in Death Note that finds it necessary to carry his or her gun in the front of their pants?"

"..."

"What? Compensating for something?"

**_~SMASH TIEM~_**

**[4. Then, as if to contradict the intentions of your last question, tell him it takes someone pretty confident about themselves to wear those pants. (Have you seen them?)]**

Mello was still twitching from that last comment when Jax started to poke his shoulder.

"...?"

"Mello~"

"..."

"You do realize you have to be pret-ty confident in yourself to wear Adam Lambert's pa-"

"HE STOLE THE LOOK FROM ME."

"... O...Kay..."

Defensive, much?

"Very... Confident... And when I say 'confident in yourself', I mean you have to have some size going on there..."

"...I honestly do not know whether that was a compliment or not..."

"AHA! I'VE STUMPED A GENIUS! ME, JAX, THE DITSY MISAMINUSTHESLUT AIRHEAD, HAVE STUMPED THE WORLD'S SECOND/THIRD/FOURTH SMARTEST PERSON, DEPENDING ON WHAT POINT IN THE PLOT WE'RE IN AND IF YOU COUNT LIGHT! BWAHAHAHAHA TAKE THAT SEBBIFRED!"

". . . What?"

"Lordy B! That look on your face right now... It's better than someone dying of leprosy!"

". . ."

**[5. Tell him he has to be best friends with Near for the rest of his life or all the chocolate in the world will disappear and no more will ever be made again.]**

_**~FLASHHHH BACKKKK TO BEFORE NUMBER 1!~**_

"Hey Mellsies~"

"The Hell do you want? !"

"Um, just BTW, if you don't immediately become besties with Near, I'm afraid that all the chocolate in the world will disappear and no more will evarrrrrrrr be made againnnnn!"

"Yeah right. You don't have the power to do that."

_**~THE PRESENT~**_

"PLEASE! OHMYGOD JUST PLEASE GIVE ME BACK MY CHOCOLATEEEEEE DX"

"Lolno :D"

"PL-"

"UNLESS! Unless you become Near's new bffl! C:"

"..."

Near, in sheep form ('cause obviously he's a were-sock-sheep-floorsexual(BSOMFC :D)-bastard) baa'd, "Mello-kun, baaa baa ba baa baaaaa?"

The words "TRANSLATION: Mello-kun, will chu be mah fwiend? :3" rolled across the screen.

". . . WTF?"

**[6. Ask him if he really knows how to pronounce words.]**

She snickered, waiting to ambush him outside the bathroom door. "Mellodyyy?" He grumbled an unintelligible answer. "Do you know how to sound words out?" He stopped.

Turning very slowly, a forced smile on his face, he said through gritted teeth: "I have gone through the Hell that most people refer to as Wammy's House for the Abandoned Genii," he took a step toward the smirking girl, about to wipe said smirk off her face. "I live my whole life, trying to prove I was better than SHEEP! I-"

"Say 'Melodic' based on the fact that the root word is 'Melody'." The girl grinned widely as Mello puzzled over this.

"Mello... di-"

"That's okay, Mellokinz. That's okay."

**[7. Show him the pure amount of yaoi he's involved in. (Everyone wants a piece of his ass, there's MattxMello, MelloxNear, MelloxL, MelloxB... & you know what Rod Ross was thinking that whole time he was working with Mello in the Mafia...)]**

"HEY MARSHMELLO~"

"WHAT? !"

"Are you gay?"

"...No..."

"Then what is THIS?" Jacqueline said, holding up the iPad she had just stolen from Ash. It had like 64535665 different tabs open, all of them either YouTube, FanFiction, or DeviantART.

Mello took the iPad out of her hands and began looking through the tabs, quickly acquiring a disturbed expression.

**[8. Then ask why.]**

"Melodic~" (Edited pronunciation? Maybe so.)

"...whaaaaaaaat..." Mello said, looking as if he was fearful for his life.

"WHY do you think this type of stuff is floating around the internet?"

"...I... don't know..."

"I think it's 'cause your gay. At least for Matty-kunz!"

"WHAT? EW NO!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!

"Nuh-uh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"c:"

"...No..."

"C:"

"NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

"C8"

"YOU TRICKED ME!"

"C|"

"IT'S INVALID!"

"Hm. Even geniuses fall for simple tricks..."

**[9. Steal his motorcycle.]**

"Let's see... how do you work this shiny metal deathtrap..." Jax said as she fiddled with (what she assumed was) the brake. Or maybe it was the gas.

Without warning she shot off into the street. "WHOOOOOOOOOO!"

...Apparently it was the gas.

Meanwhile, hearing the familiar sound of his motorcycle, Mello awoke.

". . . MY MOTORCYCLE! WHAT THE HELL GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" Mello yelled as he practically leaped out the window.

...

Fail...

When I say 'practically', I mean he did, but he got stuck halfway...

"Haha, Mello's too fat! :D" Jax called out behind her, somehow managing not to veer off the road and crash.

**[10. Tell him he needs a haircut.]**

Jax sighed, looking at Mello as if she was disappointed.

"Mel-"

"WHAAAAAT? !"

"You need a haircut."

"..."

**[11. Really bad.]**

"Really bad."

"..."

"Really, REALLY bad."

"..."

**[12. Tell him that if he were cute like Near he'd get more fangirls.]**

"Mountain Dew~!"

"...What?"

"Mountain Dew! Like... You know... the soda... tastes like Mello Yello?"

"...Nevermind..."

"ANYWAY, You know what I think?"

"No, nor do I care."

"I think that if you were cute like Near, you'd have more fangirls."

"..."

"Which, I mean, you DO have fangirls. Why, my friend Abyss, she-"

"I am not cute, nor am I like Near. And I don't even think Near has any fangirls," Mello spat, voice practically dripping with disgust.

"Rachel."

"...What?"

"My friend Rachel, she's a Near fangirl. Of course, she doesn't HATE you, but..."

". . ."

**[13. Lock him in a room with a crazed Near fangirl. Make sure she hates Mello's guts.]**

"Hey Mello  
>Bo Bello<br>Banana, Fanna, Foe Fello  
>Fee, Fie, Moe, Ello<br>MELLO~!"

*Twitch* "...The Hell do you want NOW? !"

"I BROUGHT YOU A FRIEND! :D Her name ish Kellsie an-"

"...I have enough friends, thanks."

Slowly, Jax began stepping toward Mello, and Mello was stepping away.

"But... CHU CAN ALWAYS USE ANOTHER FWIEND!" With that, Jax slammed and locked the door to the room Mello had just backed into. Mello sighed. The Hel-

"NEAR IS AWESOME! ! 1 ! ! 1 ! ! 1 ! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR HATING HIMMMMM! ! 1 ! ! ! 1 1 1 ! !

**[14. Force him to play D. Nd: Poisoned. Bwahahaha.]**

"OMK MELLERINA GUESS WHAT? :D"

"WHAAAAAAAT!"

"I found this epicccccccc PC ga-"

"Video games are Matt's thing, not mine," Mello growled.

"Well yeah but I thi-"

"What did I just say? !"

"JUST TRY IT, OKAY?"

"...Will you leave if I do?"

"...I'll leave if you make it through the entire thing."

Mello sighed. "Fine."

_**~FIVE MINUTES LATER~**_

"Okay... Roger wants me to work with Near on an assignment... Yeah ri- OKAY OKAY NEVERMIND I'LL DO ET DX ...Hey they got my hair right this time :D"

Mello was sitting at the laptop beginning the game when Jax appeared once again, the air around her shrouded with happy.

"Hey Mellkenzie, I'm gonna go get some gravy from the store, k?"

"...Um, sure, whatever..."

...

...

...

...

...

"Wait, my plan is to get him addicted to WHAT? !

...

I vote I throw Matt under the bus ;)

Errr... Over the sheep.

...

WAIT, that's not's not an option? ! This game is OOC! THROWING MATT UNDER THE BUS IS ALWAYS AN OPTION!"

_**~ONE HOUR LATER~**_

"HEY MELLYKINZ~ I'm HOOOOO~OOOOOOOME!"

...

Because Jax had already made herself at home.

There were a few seconds of silence.

"M-Me-Melly...kinz?"

...

"Mello? 8C" Jax was so worried now that she forgot to use a ridiculous nickname.

Suddenly Jax heard scuffling from the next room and, against all her training (yes, she trained for this.) and instincts, went to investigate it.

Jax went to her bedroom, which, incidentally, was right off the living room.

...

As in, she had added on a room to the house.

...

Anyway...

After a quick search of the main part of her room, she moved to the closet.

...

Teehee.

...

Anyway.

"M-Melloooooo?"

The reply was in the form of a scratching noise.

"Ummmmm..."

Jax pushed aside a few dresses to find Mello, curled up in the fetal position, trying to scratch his eyes out.

...

Which failed, because he's a guy, so (of course) by default his nails don't go past the tips of his fingers.

...

I've never understood how guys do that.

...

If my nails get more than, like, a few centimeters shorter than the tip of my finger, the start bleeding like crazy. And most guys have them, like, cut to where there's a space with no nail that's the same... width, or whatever, as the nail itself in between the tip of the nail & the tip of the finger.

...

*sigh*

...

"I found the secret ending... within five minutes..." Mello sobbed.

"Oh, did you like it? :)"

"... I think I've been scarred..."

":)"

"Just the thought... M-me... & _him_..."

":)"

"...The little bastard..."

":)"

". . . Will you please leave now?"

Jax skipped over to the computer. It had 'fallen asleep', so she smacked it.

...

It actually woke up.

...

O.o

...

The screen was on a... *cough* picture, and Jax clicked a few times to finish the game.

"Sorry Mellsie, you didn't finish the game. =/"

". . ."

"NOW COME ON OUT OF THE CLOSET C: And then you can play D. Nd: Infection! :D"

**[15. Introduce him to the fanfictions. Oh, the fanfictions.]**

"Mellina! I have something to show you!"

Mello pulled his Beretta 92FS out and pointed it at the girl.

"This better be good."

"Oh, but it is! :)"

"..."

"Look at this!"

_**~SEVERAL MINUTES LATER~**_

"But that... doesn't even make sense... Is that even possible?... WHAT THE-... How is that... WHY? !"

"C:"

**[16. Ask him why he always aims guns at the girls who try to strip in front of him...]**

"Hey Mellicious..."

"What."

"Why is it that when girls strip in front of you, you always point your gun at them..."

Mello raised his eyebrow questioningly.

"I MEAN YOUR BERETTA DUMBASS!"

"..."

"...So why? :D"

"... Okay, when have girls even stripped for me?"

Matt randomly poofed into the room.

"Well, there was that one time you went to-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Mello roared, and instantly Matt poofed away.

"...Okay then...Matt has teleportation powers..."

"Yeahhhhhhhhh... we all do. L was a ninja (lurduh!) so of course all of his successors are ninjas.

"...Aaaaaaaaanywayyyyy... There was Halle..."

"She was in the shower. That's different."

"Dude, you had been staying with her for, like, what, a week? Before Near even THOUGHT about the possibility of you teaming up with her."

"...I'm quite proud of that, actually."

"And then, she's in the shower, peaks out, and says that she wouldn't mind if you stayed longer. Aaaaaand then you pointed your gu- your Beretta at her. What the hell? !"

"I was focused on beating Near and avenging L at the time."

"Riiiiiiiiight... and what about Takada?"

"She was Kira! Or at least Kira's dumbass pawn!"

"You gave her a blanket!"

"I'm not a pedo!"

"She's older than you are!"

"I'm not a rapist!"

"You were in the mafia, of course you're a rapist!"

"...What?"

"...Mafia equals rapist..."

"...The mafia kills people and some of us," [insert uncomfortable cough here], "Do drugs... No rape."

"Mellicia..."

"..."

"YES, YOU KILL THEM, BUT YOU RAPED THEM BEFOREHAND AND YOU WERE PROBABLY HIGH ON CRACK!"

". . . JUST SHUT UP YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"The mafia does the hustle!"

"...What?"

"...Shark Tale."

". . ."

"Anyway..."

"No, you leave. Right now. PLEASE AND MOTHERFUCKIN' THANK YOU."

"Sure ^~^"

". . . Seriously?"

"Yeah, but chur coming with meh ^~^"

"..."

**[17. Take him to an anime convention/comic con/whatever. Attempt to sell him and his clothes to fangirls.]**

"Isn't this great, Mellinda?"

"... You took me... To a comic con."

"Well DUH! You're an anime character!"

". . ."

Suddenly, a group of (fan)girls caught sight of Mello.

"OHMYL IS THAT MELLO?"

"NO YOU STUPID MATSUDA~BAKA-KUN THAT'S AN EPIC COSPLAYER!"

"OML!"

"OMK"

"OHHHHMAIIIISHINIGAMIIIII!"

"HAI OMK I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!"

"THAT IS THE BEST COSTUME EVARRRRRRRRR!"

"IKR?" Jax jumped in.

Mello attempted to jump out the window again (which failed,) but ended up smashing a hole in the wall and escaping that way.

"HOLYJEEVAS, SO IN-CHARACTER!"

"I wish I could cosplay like that!"

"Well here's some news, friends," Jax began, "that was the real Mello! Mihael Keehl, in the flesh!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

"Yup! And guess what this suitcase is full of?"

"What? C8"

"All of his clothing! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay Mello's shit for everyoneeeee~~~~~!"

":OOOOOO :DDDDDDDDD"

_'Ooooh'_s and _'Aaaah'_s came from the gathering crowd, who proceeded to attempt to touch the suitcase.

"NOT SO FASTTTTT!" Jax yelled, and the unnamed fangirls recoiled.

"I'll give you this stuff... at a price. $500 per piece, $34927543 for the whole case, and," Jax leaned over in secrecy, "If you give me the satisfaction of being able to watch him be miserable, I'll let you keep him as a _slave."_

* * *

><p><strong>RANDOM-ASS AN: You know what? No, Jax, I'm NOT sorry about your chappies being late. YOU SOLD ME INTO SLAVERY TO DARRAH! AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET ANYTHING TANGIBLE FOR IT! JUST THE SATISFACTION OF WATCHING ME BE MISERABLE AS 'DARRAH'S MALLORY' FOR WHENEVER MALLORY ISN'T AT SCHOOL XDX**

* * *

><p>"OMK I WANT HIM I WANT HIM!"<p>

"NO MEEEE NOOOOO MEEEEEEEE OVER HEREEEEEEEEE!"

**[18. "Customize" his clothes.]**

Mello rubbed his eyes, groggy and, for the most part, unaware. He sluggishly rolled (seriously, he refused to walk this early) out of bed and over to his closet. He opened it to find that his clothes had been replaced with drag.

...

And I mean _drag._

"WHAT THE FUCK? !"

Matt was in Mello's room within the minute, and Jax wasn't far behind. Because Mello's like a mother-in-law. When Mello's not happy, _**no**______**one**_ is happy. ...Unless you're the one making him un-happeh... That would be amusing... Seeing as how, with his temper, it was not hard to make him miserable/mad... Which is probably why Jax was smirking.

"What's wrong, Mellany?" Jax said in her sweetest, most innocent voice.

"What. The fuck. Did you do."

"Hn? I just helped you with your wardrobe. I saw where you wanted to go, and I took you there. :)"

...

...

...

Okayyyyyyyy... That wasn't awkward at all.

"I DID NOT WANT THIS!"

**[19. Then tell him you think it enhances his look better.]**

"But... it enhances _the look!"_ Jax pouted.

"...What look?"

**[20. When he asks you what "look" that is, tell him it's the lesbian look.]**

"Well the lesbian look, duh!"

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... Matt! Hoorah :P<strong>

**JAXIE! TELL MEH WHICH PART CHU LIEKED BEST! :D**

**...in a review! ಠ_ಠ Not at school! DxD**


	7. Matt

*****EDIT:*** Jax's belated b-day part 2 :P**

**A/N: Thanks to glitterthorn for your suggestion, & to everyone who has read & reviewed :3**

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Matt_

**[1. (Hey. Hey Captain Obvious. What do you think we should do to annoy Matty-kun?) Steal his cigarettes, video games, and car, then hide them. Extremely well. He may be a genius, but stealing his car and video games will make him angry, and once the lack of nicotine gets to him he'll be useless.]**

Jax tiptoed into Matt's room, careful not to disturb anything and alert Matt.

...

Even though he wasn't even there.

...

Anyway...

She surveyed the room for boxes of cigarettes... It was kind of hard, considering she didn't know what brand he liked best... But she would find it.

...

Eventually.

While looking, she noticed a DS, X-Box, PS2, and a pile of assorted games. _What a mess... they aren't even sorted by what game console they're for! Oh well... Clean up time! ^~^_

She began picking up the games and consoles, throwing them roughly into a cardboard box that had appeared out of nowhere.

And alas, at the bottom of the huge-ass pile was several packages of cigarettes and some car keys.

_Well that was easy... SO EASY IT MIGHT JUST WORK- ...Wait, that reference won't make sense here... Nevermind!_

Jax tossed the cigarettes into the box, snapped her fingers, and watched it poof somewhere else.

...

It was probably, like, surrounded by rabid dogs now, or something...

Anywho.

_Now, what to do with the car keys... How about a test drive? :D_

Jax ran to the garage, yanking the cherry red car door open and jumping in.

"Let's see... I'm fourteen... I don't know how to drive... This isn't my car... The owner of the car probably has a gun... ... ... ... This is a great idea! :D"

...

With that she stuck the key into the key-whole-thingy (she really didn't know what it was called) and hit what she thought was the gas.

...

It was the gas...

But the car was stuck in reverse.

A sickening metallic _crunch_ could be heard as Jax destroyed the entire rear end of the car by ramming it into the back of the garage.

"Whoops! Eheheheh..." Jax shifted into forward-ness-gear and hit the gas again, just as Matt opened the garage door.

"AHHHHH! What did you do to my baby? !" Matt yelled as he was almost ran over.

...

Yeah, Matt, fuck your own life, save the car.

...

If you die today, I will not weep for you.

...

But about half a million other people will...

Shit.

...

I might mourn you.

...

Just a little.

...

But I won't weep.

...

Anyway...

Matt returned to the house panting after running a mile down the road after his car and walking/dragging himself back.

_...Ah... Physical effort... Not normal... I play video games... And smoke all day... I like Coke and pizza... NOT MEANT... TO CHASE AFTER CARS... LIKE A DOG! DX_

...

Matt basically collapsed... But he managed to rummage around for his cigs first.

_...Need... a smoke... Because that'll totally help me breathe better... It's not gonna give me lung cancer or anyth-_

_..._

_WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTES? ! ! ! ! !_

_First my car, then my cigs, then my video games..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_MY VIDEO GAMES!_

Matt ran (miraculously) to his room, finding it completely empty of any gaming device whatsoever.

"What kind of Hell is this? !"

**[2. Ask him wtf color his hair is.]**

"Hey Matty!"

"... Are you the one that took my shit? !"

"What color is your hair?"

"..."

"I mean, it's SUPPOSED to be brown, but it looks green in your death scene, and yet you're universally accepted as a redhead..."

"My DEATH scene? !"

**[3. Then tell him that he has to dye it.]**

"UGH! You know what? You're dying it!"

"...Wha-"

"I think electric blue'd be nice... Matt Bellamy from Muse died his hair blue once, right? And you guys are both Matt, so I'm sure that'll work~ :D"

"...I love Muse..."

"So you'll do it? :DDD"

"No..."

"Good, because if you were gonna go willingly, that was gonna be a problem."

"..."

**[4. Or else.]**

"So... DYE IT OR ELSE!"

"WHAT? !"

**[5. Glue/duct tape his DS to the ceiling.]**

"You, chick, over there. Where, THE FUCK, is my DS?"

"On the ceiling ^~^"

"..."

**[6. Make comments about his lack of screentime.]**

*sigh* "You know, it really is too bad..."

"...What?"

"You realize you had about three minutes in the anime and maybe thirty-to-forty panels in the manga?"

"..."

"I mean, sure, you're one of the few characters that made it to the last volume, but you die, when, on the first page?"

"..."

"I mean, that's just _sad_."

"..."

"Pitiful."

"..."

"Fail."

"..."

"C-"

"YEAH I GOT IT ALREADY..."

**[7. Ask him how he got so many fangirls- you want to see if it works for you. Continue to pester him about it when he tells you that he doesn't know and/or gives you a cocky answer.]**

"Hey Mattzilla..."

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

Matt glanced at her cockily. "Do you _really_ have to ask?"

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"Uh... I don't know then, if you won't take the obvious as an answer?"

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

"..."

"Whoooooooooooo are you, WHO WHO, WHO WHO~"

"..."

"...I REALLY WANNA KNOW..."

"..."

"Why do you have so many fangirls?"

**[8. Show him MelloxMatt fanfictions. (Not MattxMello, though that's ok, but MelloxMatt would annoy him more, I guarantee.)]**

"Hey Mattilda!"

". . ."

"I have something to show ya~"

"...What."

"Come loooooooook~!"

Matt sighed, trudging over to the computer, growling a threat of _"If you give this computer a virus, I will murder you..."_

"Just read this! You'll love it! :D"

Matt glanced at the screen, quickly scanning the page.

_Wait..._

_Stop..._

_Rewind..._

_Did that just say..._

"What the fuck? !"

"I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT! :D"

"I don't even... He has me strapped to a heater... He weighs, like, what, ninety pounds? I could PICK HIM UP and THROW HIM..."

"AHA! THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONGGGGGGGGGGG!" Abyss screamed, randomly popping into the room.

"..."

"JAX! I NOW HAVE PROOF THAT MATT ISN'T GAY FOR MELLO! SUCK ETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

"Oh really? What is it?"

"If he was gay for him he would have noticed that after the explosion Mello grew like two feet taller, somehow got broader shoulders, and gained a bunch of muscle (which weighs more than fat ^~^)! MY PROOF IS UNDENIABLEEEEEEEEE!"

". . ."

"Um... *insert cough here* Me and Mels are friends... *another cough* I don't know where you're getting gay-ness from that, but-"

"YOU DIEDDDDDDDDDDD FOR HIM!"

"WELL I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GONNA DIE! ...Wait... I DIED? !"

"Now look what you've done, Jax! STOP MESSING UP THE PLOTLINE!"

"...It's a full year after he died! Two years, manga time!"

"... Uhm, guys, I-"

"Besides, look at what YOU did to Mikami! And Takada! ...And this is YOUR fanfiction!"

"GUYS I-"

"SO? ! You're in it!"

"You're controlling me!"

"You forced me to have you annoy Matt and Mello!"

"... GU-"

"IT'S A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!"

"BEFORE SIX MONTHS AGO I DIDN'T EVEN CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS!"

"YEAH WELL THAT'S YOUR DAD'S FAUL-"

Matt sighed and calmly began taking off his shirt.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What are you doing?"

"SHUT UP, don't make him sto-"

"Stripping. It's a great way to end arguments, apparently."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Why aren't you God?"

**[9. Steal his goggles &/or make fun of them.]**

"Matthew!"

"...You do realize that Matt's just an alias, right? It's not short for Matthew..."

"I WANNA SEE YOUR EYES! :D" Jax said and began tugging at Matt's goggles.

"Ow... OW... OW! Dude, those are attached to my face!"

"By a rubber/elastic strap that goes around your head, not your face."

"CLOSE ENOUGH!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Don't you da-"

_SNAP!_

"AHHHHH... FUCKKKKK... DUDE... THAT HURTTTTT!"

Jax tried to conceal a giggle. "I'm sorry... Kinda... I shouldn't have snapped your goggles back at your face... But this... It's too funny! :"D "

". . ."

"I hate them, by the way."

"...?"

"Your goggles."

"..."

"They suck."

"Well too ba-"

"JUST KIDDING THEY'RE AWESOME!" Jax yelled and snatched them, running out the door and onto the street, probably in danger of being hit by a car.

"..."

**[10. Take off the spam block on his computer/gaming systems.]**

"DIE YOU BITCH-ASS MOTHER FUC-

...

Wha...

No, I don't even like tomatoes...

That's not...

I don't care about local singles! ...Those chicks aren't even hot!

...Yeah, as if I need those... Haha, in your _dreams_ I need those en-

DFJSGDJFGZSDFS I JUST DIED!"

"Matt :D You're speaking Falcon! :D"

"..."

"Who disabled the spam block?"

"The thingy-ma-whater?"

"...The spam filter! Keeps ads from popping up while I'm being shot at!"

"...Really? I think the ads might have helped... I mean, those guys had awful aim, I'm sure you could have gotten away with maybe just one or two wounds if there had been ads blocking their vision..."

"...What are you talking about?"

"OHHH YOU DIDN'T MEAN YOUR D- Nothing ^~^"

"..."

**[11. When you catch him smoking, ask him if he learned anything from his death scene.]**

"MAIL JEEVAS!"

"SHHH! You can't say that aloud! ...And how do you kno-"

"I can't believe this!"

"..."

"Didn't you learn ANYTHING from your death scene? !"

"..."

"'Smoking Kills' was the obvious message, _duh!" _Jax scolded, snatching Matt's 'Cancer Stick' away from him.

**[12. ****Whenever he does something that could even possibly be slightly offensive or idiotic, mutter "I hope you get shot to death by a bunch of crazed cultists" under your breath.****]**

"Dude, you _CAN'T_ shove pillows in my face when I'm playing Halo! I'll _die. _Do you want that?"

"...It's a video game."

"It's a good video game."

"..."

"..."

"I hope you get shot to death by a bunch of crazed cultists..." Jax muttered.

"What? !"

"Nothing."

**[13. Frequently use the phrase "And this is why you're number three, Matt."]**

"You don't understand! If I get shot to death, I'll _die._"

"... And this logic is why you're number three, Matt."

"..."

**[14. Act out his death scene periodically, specifically the "You won't shoo- *BANG BANG BANG*" part. Big points if afterwards you add "Sorry, I thought you were a deer."]**

"Hahaha, look at me! I'm totally badass and I have a badass car! Here me ROA- Uhoh! They got ahead of me! How many bodyguards does one woman need anyway?" Jax said in a high pitched voice, then flipped to the other side of the room and used the lowest voice she could.

"Stop! Don't go Near! (teehee!) We'll shoot you to death you asstard! KIRA FOREVARRRR!" She flipped again, and continued in the high voice.

"Oh come on... Yeah, I'm involved in this whole Takada-kidnapping fiasco. I'm totally completely 100% sure you'll want me to tell you where my accomplice is, so of COURSE you won't shoo-" Flip, Cue epic sound affects courtesy of Abyss.

"BANG BANG BANG! ... only a bunch more times! I mean, these dudes have awful aim... Matt only got shot 24 times but there were like 345734534 shells on the ground... and the completely _wrecked _his Chevelle, and-"

"ABYSS! STFU! THIS IS MY CHAPTER!"

*cue whimper* "Fine..."

Jax uttered the next words in the lowest, most retarded voice she could.

"...Sorry, I thought you were a deer."

Matt sat there deadpanning/T.T-ing for a full hour afterwards.

**[15. Ask him if he eats is video games, sense L eats sweets, Mello eats chocolate, and Near eats his toys. (You can not deny that he does.)]**

"Hey Mattingly!"

"..."

"Do you EAT your video games?"

"Why would I-"

"STOP! I know what you're going to say. But your mock WTF-ness doesn't fool me. L eats sweets, Mello eats chocolate, and Near eats toys."

"...Near eats his toys? !"

"SO, you must eat something too!"

"...I smoke. That's close."

"Not close enough."

"..."

**[16. Introduce him to his rabid fangirls, but not the ones he'd actually like.]**

"Hey Matt  
>Bo Batt (The bow is a bat...)<br>Banana, Fanna, Foe Fatt (Your foes are fat!)  
>Fee, Fie, Moe, Att (Moe's at...)<br>MATT~!"

". . . Don't you be trying the same shit on me as you did on Mell-"

"I brought some girls. They want to meet you."

"...Where the _fuck_ are they?" Matt said, suddenly going from looking pissed-as-Hell to looking... *cough* _excited._

"He's in here!" Jax called, and the earth began to rumble.

_What the-_

"OHJEEVAS MATT IT'S YOU!"

"I LOVE YOUUUUUU! DO YOU LOVE MEEEEEEEE?"

"BACK OFF BITCH HE'S MINE!"

A rabid cat-fight broke out on the floor.

"... This is not what I thought you meant by 'girls'..."

**[17. Take his big fluffeh poofeh social recluse WTF vest thing. Run it through the washer a few times, and see what happens. (Ok, seriously, NEVER PUT ANYTHING FLUFFEH IN THE WASH. JUST DON'T. They'll never be fluffeh again D:)]**

"Hey Mattiekinzzz!"

"WHAT NOW-"

"I did your laundry! :3"

"...Well... Uh... Thanks..." Matt said slowly, surprised. "That was... Uh... Nice of you?"

"But... Um, Something happened to your big fluffeh poofeh social recluse WTF vest thing..."

". . . You didn't wash it, did y-"

"I did."

"..."

"..."

"..."

**[18. "Customize" his car.]**

"Hey MattieCattie?"

". . ."

"I'm REALLY sorry about recking your car earlier, so I thought I'd repaint it for you!"

". . . WHAT did you DO? !"

"Come see ^~^"

Matt ran full-speed to the garage, practically killing Mello's motorcycle trying to get it out of his way.

"It's... It's..."

"PWETTIFUL :D" Jax put in.

"HIDEOUS!" Matt corrected.

It really was hideous... Some idiot *cough* had used _interior wall paint_ and a _roller brush_ to color the car white with light pink pinstripes and flowers. The paint was gloopy and uneven in many places, and the top coat was dull and rough, not shiny like a car should be.

". . . I will get you for this."

**[19. Beat him at his video games.]**

"Eheheheheheheh... How about you just beat my avatar into a pulp? Hm?"

"...Are you challenging me to a video game match?"

"...Sure, why not :D"

**_~ONE HOUR LATER~_**

****"Wha... How did you... I don't think you've even played a video game in your li-"

"I've played, like, 3 times ever..."

"Then how did yo-"

"I cheated ^~^"

". . ."

**[20. Then proceed to destroy said games in the process of doing your victory dance.]**

"DANCE TIEM!" Jax screamed and a disco ball emerged from the ceiling, spreading random colored circles everywhere as Jax stomped all over Matt's video games in what she called a 'dance'.

". . . I... I... Y-You... Killing... My games! DX"

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... Mikami! I'm gonna have fun with this one, believe it or not. =:)<strong>

**Edit: JAJA! TELL MEH WHICH PART CHU LIEKED BEST! :D**

**...in a review! ಠ_ಠ Not at school! DxD**

**. . . Listening to my awesomeness music... I can see Mello rapping/singing/screaming Faint by Linkin Park XD & the song fits him perfectly too o.o & It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish by MCR fits Matt :D**


	8. Teru Mikami

**A/N: It has come to my attention that apparently "listfics" are not allowed on FF, so I will be writing this chapter in a slightly new style, and in between updating my other fics I will be re-writing the other chapters. Hopefully this will add to the amusement scale as well :3 & mah friendsies may star in some of the chappies too... :3 Hell, YOU GUYS can star. Just review saying what name you want to be written under & I'll work you in here somewhere :3**

**And to Chocolate Pencil- Sorry if I seemed P.O.'d when I replied to your review, 'cause in truth, I was, & it was reallyyyyyyyyyy hard not to reply with a sarcastic bitchy comment x3 I was like, seething, I wanted to explode so bad... xDx I managed not to though so I'm baking myself a cookeh x3 ...Though I would much rather have a brownie... Or just a tub of chocolate frosting... *thwacks self* WHY CHU SO STUPID D:= **

**Well anyway on with the new chappie!**

**Disclaimer:  
><strong>**I, AbyssQueen, do solemnly swear to uphold the FanFiction Code saying that I, indeed, do not own Death Note.  
><strong>**... ... ... ... ...  
>S*** F****** JESUS ******* A****HAMSTER ****HIPPOFACE*** ***HAT*** **NITROGLYCERIN** FIRE***** BLOOD**** MONKEY***** RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS ****** CHEESE GRATER **** DOG ****** ADVENTURE TIME ****PANI PONI DASH!** ******DEATH!<strong>  
><strong>-sigh- <strong>

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Mikami_

**[1. (Mr. Captain Obvious? What would you do? :3) Insult Kira!]**

Abyss glared daggers at the ravenhaired man, though inside she was grinning wickedly. She had just insulted Mikami's 'God' and Savior, and though she herself was a Kira supporter, that didn't mean she wouldn't insult him to get back at Mikami for being a dumbass in the last episode.

The older man seemed taken back, but after a second a look of determination and anger came over his face.

"How dare you! Kira is Justice! Kira is Right! Kira is God! Kira is protecting you and all others at this very moment, and all you can think to do is insult him! He cares about you! He's defending the world from evil! And through all that you think He is evil! How do you know? For all you know He might be a nice person!" at this, the man started sobbing, but he didn't stop ranting. "Why can't you just leave Him alone? He's not feeling well right now, and all you... you... PEOPLE are just making Him feel worse! I bet, that right now, He knows that you're insulting him, and He's just thinking about how He wishes you would understand! I bet He's getting really sad! And I bet He's afraid He's going to have to kill you with His death note!"

"His what?" Abyss asked, smirking.

"Oh no... GOD! I'M SO SORRY! I AM A WORTHLESS BEING!" Mikami sobbed as he ran off to the bathroom to deal with his manopause.

**[2. Move everything in his office exactly three inches to the left.]  
><strong>

Abyss burst out laughing. _This is more fun than it should be... I mean, Hell, I actually liked Mikami for the most part. But this is just too awesome..._

Thinking quickly and glancing out the prosecutor's office door, she began rearranging everything on Mikami's desk. For the most part she just moved things a little to the left (being careful to make sure it was about the same amount each time) but she knew it would mess him up big time.

Having a new thought, the young girl scooted the actual desk itself and the office chair over too, proceeding to do the same thing to all other movable objects in the room.

When she was done, she took her place behind a curtain. The whole operation had taken about twenty minutes, but it was still another ten before Mikami came back, fully recovered from his breakdown.

As soon as he walked into the office he was miffed. _What the..._

The fourth Kira attempted to walk over and sit down in his chair, but he ended up not only hitting his knee on the desk but also completely missing the chair. After a few more tries, he managed to sit down, and reached for a pen.

He knocked off a stack of extremely important case files.

Abyss, still hiding, snuffed a giggle and held her breath. _I can't show myself yet... He's still sane enough to realize he could just kill me..._

Mikami, dazed, bent over to pick up the files, meanwhile hitting his head on a drawer handle. He rubbed his head and winced. It was definitely going to leave a bump.

When he tried to get up, figuring he just needed some coffee, he ended up hitting his head again on the bookshelf behind him, tripping over the rug, and attempting to walk through the wall next to the doorway. _WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?_

Watching him leave the room (tripping several times in the hallways and crashing into several cubicles,) Abyss let her lungs have air again, only to use it all by laughing.

This was too much fun- She couldn't stop now.

**[3. Switch the decaf and caf coffee pots.]**

While Mikami was busy getting lost, Abyss had plenty enough time to get to the breakroom. Her plan was simple but perfect. She hurriedly switched the two coffee pots and, having a sudden thought, ran to the fridge, stealing some random person's pie. _Yum..._

**[4. Set the copyprinter to 1000 copies, bold, superfont, italics, underline, Insider Sans Bold, font size 2.]**

Eying the copy machine from across the room, she glanced at the door. Mikami still hadn't gotten there yet... Grinning madly now she ran over to the copy machine to "customize" it's autosettings. _Perfect..._

Looking for a place to hide her and her edible bounty, she glanced at the cabinet under the sink. She smiled. All of this was too easy. Opening the cabinet and squeezing herself in, Abyss put her eye to the small crack she had left between the doors, shoving the pie into her mouth meanwhile. _Pecan... Pie... So... Good... OMFK..._

Bruised, battered, and bleeding, Mikami limped into the room, clothes torn half to shreds. "Coffee... Coffee will help... Everything is okay, Mikami... You're just a little tired... That's all... Just walk up to the coffee maker... Get yourself a cup... Grab the left pot... Two tablespoons of coffee creamer... Three of suga-NO! ONE! NOT THREE! That's right, one tablespoon of sugar..."

Abyss snickered as the man walked himself through the steps. _This is so meannnnnn... But so much funnnnnn..._

"Now lift the cup to your mouth, and take a sip..." the man's voice and hand visibly shook as he took a small drink of his coffee.

Immediately his face brightened.

"Woah... This is good... Just what I needed..."

He took another sip, and his eye began twitching.

Ignoring his eye spasms he glanced at the copy machine. _I should probably make copies of that case file while I'm here... _Being too scared to walk all the way to his office, he used the breakroom's laptop to pull up the file and send it to the printer.

He sighed, leaning back against the counter and taking another long drink of his coffee. This time, though, he could feel his arm spasming as well as his eye. "What the..."

After a minute he broke out in a full out seizure-spasm, and Abyss broke out into an all out ROFL-spasm. Which was uncomfortable, considering the fact that she was still attempting to hold her breath _AND _was in an EXTREMELY confined space. _Help... Me... Too... Funny... NO!... The... Pie... is- Ok, the pie is fine. Thank Kira. ...Though it's probably only because I ate it all! =^~^=_

By the time Mikami's little spasm time was over (in which no one cared to help him, though everyone's lunch break had been during the half hour he had been on the floor having a seizure and most had come to the break room to get their lunch (including one very tworked off pie owner,)) his documents had stopped printing.

He took one glance at them.

"WHAT THE-"

**[5. Camp under his desk and make sure that when he comes back in the morning there's random crap all over his office.]**

_Worst... Day... Ever... _Mikami thought as he went home for the night.

_Best... Day... Ever... _Abyss thought as she made her camp under Mikami's desk.

What? You actually thought she was going to just leave? Oh no, she needed to mess with Mikami more first.

Abyss sighed. Now she had to be bored for a full sixteen hours, since all the computers had passwords (with no hints, might I add, else they'd be easy) and she wasn't that good at hacking. After wandering around and destroying random peoples' stuff (which included setting several cubicles on fire) for a few hours, she had a sudden thought. Chuckling evilly, she ran around Mikami's office, causing more destruction than the Taz the Tasmanian Devil from that one cartoon she'd never actually watched.

-LOLOL TIMESKIPZ SUDDENLEH IT'Z THE NEXT DAY LOLOL-

Mikami stopped in his doorway, eyes widened. Then he turned around and left, muttering under his breath.

_"It's just a dream it's just a dream it's just a dream it's just..."_

**[7. Tell him his hair looks like L's, so he must actually be anti-Kira.]  
><strong>

"Hey~ Hey Mikami~"

"Why do you know my name." Mikami said, not even bothering to put a question mark at the end. Heck, he didn't even put any emotion in it. Except annoyance. There was a little annoyance. It was more of a statement than a question anyway.

He was sitting at his desk, in his office, both of which were now returned to their original state.

Mostly.

_She _was still there.

"Guess what~?" Abyss asked, completely ignoring the prosecutor's 'question'.

"What."

"Your hair is like L's, only more clean~"

"So."

"That means that you're an L supporter~!"

Mikami froze for a few seconds, then ran out the door.

-LOLOL ANOTHER TIMESKIPZ LATER THAT DAY AT A RANDOM-ASS BARBER SHOP LOLOL-

"So, what do you want? Just a trim?" the barber lady asked, snapping her bubblegum.

"Just cut it off. Cut if all off!"

**[8. Make sure the bank is closed on the 25th.]**

The newly short-haired Mikami (because the barber refused to cut it all off, claiming it was too pretty) was climbing the stairs to the bank. He was in a cheery mood- the annoying unknown girl had left him alone for three full days. (Why he hadn't just killed her was a matter of the fact that he had been too... occupied... to even look to see what her name was.)

Reaching his hand out, he pulled on the door handle, opening the door and-

Wait.

No.

He _didn't _open the door.

It was locked.

Stepping back, he saw the sign hanging in the window.

_"Sorry, We're Closed!"_

Mikami went into hysterics.

Lots of people stared.

But no one really cared.

**[9. Pronounce his name "Tuerue Mehkaami."]**

"Hey~ Hey Mehkaami~!"

"That's not my name..."

**[10. When he informs you that that is, indeed, not his name, inform him that it is.]**

"Yes it is."

"No, it's not."

**[11. Then call him by his "first name".]**

"Hey~ Hey Tuerue~"

"THAT'S NOT MY NAME."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

**[12. Add "-sama".]**

"Tuerue Mehkaami-sama~"

"NOT MY NAME."

"Then why did you respond?"

**[13. Staple all his death note pages together in the center of the page.]**

_Heh heh heh..._ Abyss chuckled evilly in her head, staring down at the death note in front of her. It now had several staples through the center of the pages, excluding the covers.

-LOLOLZ ANOTHER TIMESKIPZ LATERZ LOLOL-

"WHAT THE-"

For the next three hours Mikami was using his fingernails (for lack of a staple remover) to remove staples from the center of his gift from 'God'.

**[14. Exaggerate your words and say them in a creepy exorcist voice.]**

"Tueruuuuuuuuuuue Mehkaaaaaaaaaamiiiiii-saaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaa~"

"WHAT?"

"Sevennnnnnnnn dayssssss..."

"..."

"Bwahaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa..."

"COULD YOU STOP DOING THAT?"

"Sssssssssstoppppppppp doinggggggggg whaaaaaaaat?"

"THAT!"

**[15. In third person.]**

"Abysssssssssssss doesssssssn't knowwwwww whaaaaaaaat youuuuuu are talkingggggggggg abouttttt~"

"'Abyss', eh? You have a last name?"

"It'ssssssss an aliasssssssssss~"

**[16. Ask how his love life with Light is.]**

"Soooooooo Mehkaami-samaaaaa~"

"Still not my name..."

"Howssssss your relationshipppppp with Lightttttt goinggggg~?"

"WHAT?"

"Youuuuuuu hearddddddd meeeeeeeeeee~"

**[17. When he's "Delete" or "Sakujo"-ing things, try to hold his pen still.]**

"Stoppppppppp dancinggggggggggg~"

"I'm not!"

"Yesssssssss you areeeeeeeeeeee~"

Abyss took hold of Mikami's [laser] pen, keeping it on the paper as the older man wrote.

"Stop."

In truth, it was saving time, but that didn't mean Mikami liked it. He liked his death dan- er, not dance. Undance.

"Nuvarrrrrrrr~"

"..."

**[18. Call him a communist.]**

"Mehkaamiiiiiiiiiii-samaaaaa issssssssss a commmmmunisssstttttt~"

"No I'm not! That would defy Kira! How dare you?"

"Commmunissssttt~"

"...I wish I had your name. You know the secret of the death note, I _should _kill you..."

"Youuuuuuu haveeeeeeee the eyesssssssssss~"

"...Oh." Mikami took his eyes off the page to look at the girl's name.

**[19. Stab him with his own pen.]**

"OHHHH NOOOOOOOO YOU DON'TTTTTTTTTT~" Abyss sang in her eerie Exorcist impression as she promptly took Mikami's pen and stabbed him in the eye.

Mikami screamed and fell to the floor, clutching his face. His pretty, pretty face... To bad he wasn't wearing his glasses...

**[20. Then apologize.]**

"Abysssssss sowwyyyyyyyyyyyyy~ D:"

* * *

><p><strong>Next up is... Takada! And remaking Light :#<strong>


	9. Kiyomi Takada

**A/N: I have updated the first two chapters! Check 'em out! :DDD**

**Lol, Annoyers will be changing throughout this chapter because... well... who DOESN'T want to make Takada go through Hell? :D Though mainly it will be 'Aya'. Special shoutout to Athaya No Fushigia Na Petto! **

**lol, btw, timeline is fucked up on this one xDx & I'm too lazy to fix it :D **

**Disclaimer: IDODN! [I Don't Own Death Note!]  
>lol, I do DN.<br>****wait...  
>EWWWWWWW! O.O<br>**

* * *

><p><span>How to Annoy-<span> _Kiyomi Takada_

**[1. (Glory Hallelujah, it's Captain Obvious!) Hang on Light's arm and claim to be his fiancé.]**

"Hello _Kiyomi!_" Aya called out, putting special emphasis on the fact that she was calling the older woman by her first name, "Me and my _fiancé _were just out having a _romantic walk _when we saw you! You looked so _lonely _that I just had to come talk to you, though _Light said _he_ couldn't care less._"

"..."

**[2. ****Trap her in an elevator with Misa, Mikami, and Light. Make sure you are in a _very_ tall building and push all the buttons, starting with the one for the top floor and ending with where they need to be.****]**

Ash grinned. "Alright, missy, get in tha elevator."

"What?"

"GET IN THA ELEVATORRRRRR!" Ash roared as she stuffed Takada into an elevator with Misa, Mikami, and Light.

"I demand to know what's going o-"

The elevator door shut in Takada's face.

The next twenty minutes were very awkward and/or aggravating.

**[3. Sing "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne whenever she's talking to Light and Misa comes up.]**

"But what about Amane?"

"She's nothing to m-"

"Hey Hey! You You! I don't like your girlfriend! No way! No way! I think you need a new one!"

Light coughed awkwardly. "As I was saying, Misa... She's not intelli-"

"Hey Hey! You You! I could be your girlfriend! Hey Hey! You You! I know that you like me!"

This time Takada coughed, glaring at Jax, who was sitting in the corner.

"Misa's not quite on my le-"

"No way! No way! I know it's not a secret! Hey Hey! You You! I want to be your girlfriend!"

"You, Kiyomi, are so much more to m-"

"Your so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious!"

"So much more to me tha-"

"I think about you all the time, you're so addictive!"

"Than Misa could eve-"

"Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright? Alright, Alright, Alright!"

"Ever be."

"Don't pretend, I think you know I'm damn precious!"

"Well, Li-"

"And Hell yeah, I'm the motherfucking princess!"

"Light, that doesn't sou-"

"I can tell you like me too and I know I'm right!"

"Sound like you at all, too co-"

"She's like, so whatever,"

"Too commonly used..." Kiyomi trailed off, aggravation starting to slip into her voice and onto her elvish features.

"You could do so much better!"

"Excuse me, what are you doing here?" Light almost growled.

"I think we should get together now!"

"..."

"And tha-"

Light pulled the knob on his watch three times in quick succession.

"I mean, uh, bye now! Tootles! Hasta la vista! Aloha! Adios! Have a good night!" the young girl's farewells could be heard even after she closed the hotel room door and made her way down the hallway.

"Now, where were we?" Light cooed.

"The mood is dead."

**[4. Every time she tries to speak, smack her.]**

"S-"

_Smack._

"Ow-"

_Smack._

"Would you-"

_Smack._

"I dem-"

_Smack._

"Yo, dude, stop being a dumbfuck!" Abyss exclaimed, exasperated. "Even a puppy would know by now that talking equals slap! Now STFU!"

"I-"

_Smack._

"Dumbbitch!"_  
><em>

**[5. Attempt to see what she looks like without her makeup on.]**

"Hey Takada!"

Takada sighed. "Yes?"

"What do you look like without makeup on?"

"... Why do you ask?"

"'Cause I bet you look like Fiona from Shrek!" Aya made an epic troll face.

Takada looked indignant. "Why would you think that?"

"'Cause you're a whore. Whores are usually ugly."

"..."

"Why don't you prove me wrong?"

Takada sighed, wetting a handkerchief in the sink and wiping her face gingerly.

There was hardly any difference.

Still...

Aya recoiled and gasped dramatically. "It's hideous!"

**[6. Replace her guards with "stand-ins"]**

"Takada, I think it is safe for you to leave the hotel now," Aya said, smiling pleasantly.

"Who are you?"

"The new head of your bodyguards. Don't worry, this is only temporary."

"Where are the rest of my guards?"

"Right there," Aya said, still smiling, and pointing to several giant chocolate bunnies.

"..."

"Trust me, they _will _be to your advantage to have. Just trust me. If you keep these as your guards, they will _save your life_, one-hundred percent guarantee."

". . ."

~AFTER TAKADA GETS KIDNAPPED/KILLED LOLOL~

Aya clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Shudda kept the bunnies."

**[7. ****Tell her Light doesn't care about her.****]**

"OhmyGod Takada... I think there's something you should know." Aya said with deep- but fake- sincerity.

"And what is that, may I ask?" Takada's eye almost twitched as she struggled to keep her calm, placid exterior.

_Cracking already? I haven't even done that much to her... Eh, why stop now._

"Yagami... He... He doesn't care about you, or Misa. Or Yuri or Yumi or anyone else, if they even count anymore... All of you are just his pawns!"

Takada coughed in her uber-annoying 'Refined Takada' way. "I find that ridiculous. It is obvious that Light cares for me, and me only."

**[8. When she informs you that this is 'ridiculous', tell her about how Light ends up getting rid of her.]**

"He does not! He's gonna kill you!"

"What?" alarm swept through Takada's face for a second before she wiped it off her features. "...I do not believe Light would do such a thing," she finally replied, placid as ever.

_Refined Takada as always T.T_

"Light is Kira... In one of your secret meetings, he will inform you and 'T' of this. 'T' is Teru Mikami, a prosecutor and known Kira supporter, though I suppose you know this. However, Light only gave Mikami the notebook because he was in a situation where he could not punish criminals. In about a week he will reveal that he is Kira to you, and ask you to become his 'Goddess' when he becomes God of the 'New World'. Then a while after that this epic dude named Mello will kidnap you, and Light'll kill you."

"..."

"I told you."

"..."

**[9. Tell Mello about the hidden piece of the death note she has hidden in her... fannypack? WTF is it, anyway?]**

"Psssst! Psssssssst!" Abyss randomly popped out of the nearest bush, even though they were in the middle of the city.

Mello glanced over his shoulder at the young girl standing behind him. "What th-"

"PSSSSSSST!"

"WHAT? ! I'M RIGHT HERE WHAT DO YOU WANT? !"

"Takada... she has a hidden piece of the death note! In her... uh... fannypack thing..."

"How do you kn-"

"I know. Trust me, I know."

"... Who ar-"

"I know _everything._"

"..."

~LATER LOLOL~

"Take off all your clothes and put them in that box. I was going to let you have a blanket, but... Take off the fannypack. Then you get the blanket."

"..."

**[10. Make a poll- "Who should be with Light, Misa or Takada?" Then pay people to vote Misa.]**

"Ah!" Aya exclaimed, "the results are in!"

Takada looked up from whatever she was staring at- Probably Light's ass. "Hn?"

"According to the fans, with a vote of 43957435743 to one... MISA should be with Light! Congratulations, Misa!"

"Yaaaaaaaay! I won I won! Take that, Kiyomi!" Misa shouted in her horribly annoying voice.

"..."

**[11. Make her put on a schoolgirl costume and lock her in a closet with Shigure Sohma from Fruit's Basket. (For those of you that haven't seen Furuba, Shigure, uh... He's hilarious, but... _'High school girls, high school girls, all for me~!'_]**

"Please don't touch me."

Shigure hummed. "Oh, but you look so nice in that uniform~!"

"..."

**[12. ****Rewind and replay her death scene, all the while grinning like a hyena.****]**

Chester, Jax, Ash, Abyss, Falcon, and Fang all laughed (and went slightly pyro-maniac...) as Takada went up in flames, in between crying over Mello's death.

"...Was it really necessary to make me watch that awful footage twenty-four times?"

"Watching a bitch burn in Hell, take twenty-five!"

**[13. Seriously maim her. When she is unconcious, tell her you called her an ambulance...]**

"Ugh... What happened... I'm... I'm bleeding... So... dizzy..."

"Yo," Abyss said, standing over Takada's bleeding body.

"You... You stabbed me..."

"Don't worry, while you were unconscious I called you an ambulance."

~5 MINUTES EARLIER LOLOL~

"You're an ambulance! You're an ambulance! You're an ambulance!"

**[14. Put dentist-strength numbing agent into her food right before her broadcasts. Extra points if you manage to put so much of it on there without her noticing the difference that her words become unintelligible.]**

Ash did epic secret agent man moves down the hallway, clutching the Novocaine she had stolen from her mom's dental practice.

"Dunun, dunun, dunuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn!" she hummed her own theme music as she slipped into Takada's house. She took a few careful steps into the kitchen before stopping to sniff the air. _Oh? Is dinner ready?_ Takada was there, sitting at her dining room table, about to begin eating. _Hm... Let's see... _Taking one of the pencils/stabbing utensils she stole from Falcon out of her bag, she slipped unnoticed under Takada's table. Ash then threw the pencil as far as she could into the hallway, and it hit the wall with a small crash, and the sound of a probably-expensive-and/or-family-heirloom-dish followed. Takada, slightly startled, got up to investigate.

Ash almost laughed.

_If my intent had been to kill her, she'd be walking into a deathtrap... Anyway. This is better than killing her._

Quietly, Ash slipped out from under the table, pouring liquid Novocaine into her expensive-looking food and mixing it in. As a final thought, she also mixed it with Takada's probably-imported-'spring'water.

_Heh heh heh..._

As soon as Takada settled in her seat, Ash crept away, mission accomplished.

Time to watch the news.

~LOLOL LATERZ LOLOL~

_"Keera wilth altho-" Takada coughed her annoying 'Refined Takada' cough, attempting to clear her throat. "Keetha with al-" Another cough, and Takada's cheeks became tinted with pink. "Kentha willeth althanahi behnahnah judgecat thase how dough nut conthabutan ti sueciety..." Takada stopped, looking horrified, and ran off screen crying._

"LOL! That was so failllllll! 'Kira will also be judging those who don't contribute to society'! Haha I can say it and you can't! And sueciety? What's that? Society for Mary Sues? Sounds awful!"

**[15. Replace the page of the death note she hides on her person with a page from a hardcore LxLight yaoi doujinshi. Yes, that does mean lemon. Extra points if it's illustrated.]**

Takada, crying, reached into her fannybag-whatever-thing to find the page of her death note. It was her only hope... She had to kill Mello.

Takada found the sheet of paper, and almost with relief she pulled it to her chest. _Mihael Keehl... That's all I need._ However, when she looked down at the paper...

"...Oh my...Wha...I can't...This isn't...EW**.**...I...I can't kill him now...Not with this... ... ...Fuck I'm screwed." Takada sobbed.

**[16. Lock her in a closet with Misa.]**

"Guess who's going in the closet~" Aya sang.

"OhmyKiranotagain..." Takada almost cried.

"Don't worry! It won't be Shigure-sensei this time!"

"...Sensei?"

"ORRR Pervy-sensei, if you like Naruto. ...Or if you don't. But either way she's someone you know and it's a she :D"

"...Please tell me it's not M-"

"HEY! One point to Takada!"

"..."

~LOLOL 10 MINUTEZ LATERZ LOLOL~

"UWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH? !"

"...You... You just bit me!"

"LIGHT IS MIEN, BITCH!"

**[17. Burst into the truck with a battering ram right before she writes Mello's name down. Steal the paper from her and write her name. Be creative!]**

_'Kiyomi Takada, mauled by a crazed Mello fan and a bear... Armed with yellow Skittles.' _As she finished writing, Abyss glanced down at her watch. _Whoaaa I wear a watch? ! ...Oh, wait, no I don't._ Looking up from her absence of a watch, Abyss glared at Takada. She had a sudden thought.

"Hey, how about that, we only have to wait 40 seconds for the bear and it's evil Skittles..."

She proceeded to rip Takada limb from limb :)

**[18. Yuri Time~]**

"Yuri time?" Yuri popped up out of nowhere.

"Not you, you filler character!" Aya whacked Yuri across the head, and the girl whimpered, fading away like all filler characters do. "Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, I just thought I'd show you what the fans think!"

"...About what?"

"You and Misa being together!"

". . ."

The tension rolling off the usually-calm Takada could be cut with a knife :)

**[19. Send rabid dogs after her. Rabicity is optional, but you'll get extra points.  
>Did I just make up a new word?<br>Oh yes I did.]**

As Takada ran, she kept tripping in her expensive high heals and stumbling over her luxurious fur coat.

It didn't take long for the dogs to catch up.

**[20. Kill her.]**

"Hey Takada! I just wanted to let you know that you're gonna die in about 35 seconds!"

" . . . "

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry if this chapter wasn't that funny D: <strong>

**Next up is... The SPK! And redoing Misa, Near, and- if I work my ass- Matt & Mello.**

**Jackie-chan Dryer-kun-Jax-JaJa-Jacqueline, Ash-Ashee, Chester-Hannah, Tawny-Tawnehness, Moony-Cressi - You make that perverted, you die.  
><strong>**You see?  
><strong>**I even did a fail attempt at using the whole-name thing parents use without using your real names.  
><strong>**Fail. **


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